First of all, I want to make it clear that our decision to leave after 2 years has NOTHING to do with the school or hard feelings against it. Quite the opposite, really: having such an amazing teaching position with wonderful coworkers and fantastic bosses in the Immersion program made this decision to leave so difficult and so heart breaking! Our decision to leave was mostly the result of my father's sudden death and my need to seek emotional support in the grieving and healing process.
It's true that grieving the loss of a loved one is difficult no matter where you are in the world; however, being so far from my family, in a place where I cannot receive counseling or bereavement support, has made the struggle even worse. I don't really have anyone to talk to (besides Kris) about it: and while my supervisors and friends here have been very supportive, kind and understanding, I have just not been my self since my dad died and I really need to join a grief support group and start the healing process now, rather than bury my emotions and "just try to be normal". The truth is, life isn't normal right now. The joy of teaching is starting to fade, not because my kids or the school, but because the day-to-day of just existing, fighting insomnia, and trying to cope with my loss is just exhausting. I know it will be hard in America, too, but at least I will have help in navigating the grief.
People keep asking me, "Are you excited to be moving back to America?" or, "What will you do when you move back?" Honestly, no, I'm not excited to be moving back to America. Don't get me wrong: I am thrilled that I will be with my family, close friends, and church family again. But I'm not excited to leave behind this experience, this wonderful school, my two supportive bosses that I love working for, my sweet kids, and traveling all around Asia. I'm not in any way looking forward to the uncertainty of the job hunt and re-experiencing the profound loss of my father.
If, when we move back, I don't seem as excited as you anticipated or I keep reminiscing about Japan and MeySen as though they were my first loves long gone, please just have patience with me. When you next see me I will still be grieving: both the loss of my father (which will still be raw and real) and the closing of this chapter in my life.
Beautifully written...and makes sense. About not wanting to leave, but needing to for emotional reasons. My prayers are with you...
ReplyDeleteI won't pretend in any way at all that I understand how it feels to lose a parent. But the leaving the job you love part, I get. When Eli was born and I decided to quit my job of almost 5 years, I bawled every day for weeks. I WANTED to quit, I knew that God's call for me was to be home and raise my child. But that doesn't mean it wasn't hard. People kept saying "Aren't you excited??" And I was. But I was also scared, and sad, and worried about loosing something that was such a part of my identity. I don't regret my choice, not at all, but there are quite a few days when I miss work. (I do work very very part time, less than 20 hours a month, but sometimes I miss being full-time in my field). Yet I know, when I look back 50 years from now, I won't wish I had worked more. I will be glad for the time with Eli. Still doesn't mean its not hard in the moment. I don't think you will regret your choice either, because being able to grieve and heal will help the rest of your life and the path God has you on... Love you guys!!