In just 15 days I will be finished with my employment at Orchard Hill Church. In 25 days we will be on our way to Japan! I can't believe that the trip that we've been praying and waiting for since May is almost here! I'm very excited about our upcoming adventure, but with each day that passes, I grow increasingly sad about leaving the people I love behind. I feel pressured to make every single moment of every single day used in the most effective and resourceful way. To an extent, it's good to live with that mindset because our days really limited and life should be lived abundantly; however, I am placing so much pressure on myself to make the most of every opportunity that I cannot possibly live up to that standard. For goodness sakes -- I even stress about what meals to cook since I can only cook so many before we move and I want to make the very best ones! Really, when I step back and look at it, I am approaching things with the mindset that I will never be in America again or see people I care about again. This is not the way I should be approaching this move. But with my anxiety disorder and perfectionist mindset, viewing things in a healthy perspective is sometimes difficult.
This really is an odd emotional state to be in: to be excited and happy yet sad and anxious at the same time. To be running towards this new adventure with arms wide open yet leaving this chapter of my life somewhat with my feet dragging.
My anxiety isn't rooted in fear of a new culture and the unknown, but in fear of loss. I worry about losing touch with friends. I worry about not having my mom close by to confide in -- and I worry about her being alone once we move and my sister goes to college in the fall. I'm worried that something might happen to my loved ones when I am gone.
I suppose this is where trust comes in -- where I need to give these worries and these concerns over to God and trust him. I will probably lose touch with some friends, but the really close ones, who really care about and love me, are people I will stay in touch with and who will make an effort to stay in touch with me. My mom will probably be lonely with no one else in the house -- but I couldn't save her from that ache even if I were in the country. I need to allow her experience that, come to terms with it, and experience God's grace and mercy amidst it. As for losing a loved one, I don't know if this will happen or not. But I need to trust God with that and remember that the end of this life is not The End. There is an eternity with a Savior and those who belong to Him.
Which, after all, is why we are even going on this journey. To share our faith and help lead others into a relationship with Him, so that they will share in that eternity. It is how God is using us. When we trust and follow Him, He will honor that. It doesn't mean that things will go smoothly or that there won't be times of hardship and sadness, but He will be with us every step of the way. We can trust in Him. I can trust in Him. Even with my anxiety.
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